OK, so I was on my way to work (I drive now, which means I can more easily avoid contracting 207-HIV) when I noticed that my petrol was getting low. To avoid having to drag my car to work using a skipping rope and a lot of muscle-power, I pulled into a petrol station immediately. As I was filling the car up with fuel (the best thing to put in that part of the car, incidentally), another car pulled up to the pump next to mine. A guy dressed entirely in black got out, and started fuelling up his car. I thought he was a bit odd, as he had his hood pulled right up (it wasn't raining) and had sunglasses on, despite the fact that it wasn't sunny. Well, actually the sunglasses part wasn't so odd, except for the fact that we weren't in Kentish Town (where pretentious unnecessary wearing of sunglasses is common among the large Twat community). He seemed a bit on-edge as well, which caused me to continue covertly observing him by squinting awkwardly at him out of the side of my face in the manner of Popeye. Suddenly, he popped the petrol cap back on his car, jumped in and started driving off without paying. 'Aha!' thought I. So that's why he was such a shifty git then. Then, the next interesting thing happened. As he was about to drive out of the petrol station exit, STEPHEN FRY suddenly leapt out of another car nearby and ran in front of the moving vehicle!! Quick as a flash, he held out his hand and STOPPED THE CAR, causing it to grind to a halt and buckling the metal of the bonnet at the point of impact with his hand. As I was struggling to take all of this in, he deftly flipped open the bonnet of the car and ripped out the engine in one smooth move. Throwing it safely into a nearby disposal bin, Fry calmly locked eyes with the shocked driver of the car, and boomed 'I'M STEPHEN FRY, AND IF I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY PETROL, YOU JOLLY WELL SHOULD TOO!' The police then pulled up and began to arrest the man, during which time Fry sauntered back to his car as they waved their gratitude. I distinctly heard one of the policemen say 'Thanks again, Stephen!' as Fry drove off into the mist. Well, you don't see that every day!*
*Some or all of the above may be a lie
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Beatles Poetry. Or, 'Shut up, you self-important cow'
I dearly hold all I have known
In friendship or in love,
I cannot fault their offerings
Of olive-branch or dove,
However I can fully say
Of all the ones held true,
They simply cannot take the place
Of the hated Meanies Blue.
I love those dear Blue Meanies,
Of whom are not thought well,
They hate that Paul McCartney
Who's honestly a bell
-END of the story here must be
In spite of what is due,
I finish my discourse with love
Me do, sir please don't sue
In friendship or in love,
I cannot fault their offerings
Of olive-branch or dove,
However I can fully say
Of all the ones held true,
They simply cannot take the place
Of the hated Meanies Blue.
I love those dear Blue Meanies,
Of whom are not thought well,
They hate that Paul McCartney
Who's honestly a bell
-END of the story here must be
In spite of what is due,
I finish my discourse with love
Me do, sir please don't sue
Monday, 6 September 2010
Letter to Self
Dear Ellen,
I am writing to politely suggest that you SORT IT OUT! It is not acceptable to wear pink tights with a red skirt just because you couldn't be arsed to do laundry last week. It is also not acceptable to cut down to one meal a day because you can't be arsed to go food shopping either. You seem to find ample time to arse around making sure your hair stays pink, and to Facebook stalk plenty of people. Therefore it stands to reason that you could find a spare minute of your day to OPEN THE DAMN MAIL! Seriously, it is just unnecessary to have FOUR newsletters from your former school hanging around your kitchen counter. If you don't care what the school is up to these days, PUT THEM IN THE BIN!! I am writing this to you for your own good, as it seems that you have lost track of what is important. Although drinking beer and laughing hysterically might seem important at the time, you spend more than enough time doing both of these things already, and can afford to cut back a bit. Also, stop lying to people; clear nail varnish DOES NOT FIX EVERYTHING, and sometimes it's better to throw something away or use ACTUAL GLUE to fix it. It's just misleading to keep insisting otherwise. Although if you do invest in any actual glue in the near future, try to avoid gluing your hand to a porcelain model of a bus this time.
Another important point to address is that eye-creams and green tea are NOT a substitute for sleep. You actually do have to close your eyes occasionally to avoid looking like the cryptkeeper.
And stop accepting Jaegerbombs on work nights!! It never ends well!
Yours disapprovingly,
Ellen
I am writing to politely suggest that you SORT IT OUT! It is not acceptable to wear pink tights with a red skirt just because you couldn't be arsed to do laundry last week. It is also not acceptable to cut down to one meal a day because you can't be arsed to go food shopping either. You seem to find ample time to arse around making sure your hair stays pink, and to Facebook stalk plenty of people. Therefore it stands to reason that you could find a spare minute of your day to OPEN THE DAMN MAIL! Seriously, it is just unnecessary to have FOUR newsletters from your former school hanging around your kitchen counter. If you don't care what the school is up to these days, PUT THEM IN THE BIN!! I am writing this to you for your own good, as it seems that you have lost track of what is important. Although drinking beer and laughing hysterically might seem important at the time, you spend more than enough time doing both of these things already, and can afford to cut back a bit. Also, stop lying to people; clear nail varnish DOES NOT FIX EVERYTHING, and sometimes it's better to throw something away or use ACTUAL GLUE to fix it. It's just misleading to keep insisting otherwise. Although if you do invest in any actual glue in the near future, try to avoid gluing your hand to a porcelain model of a bus this time.
Another important point to address is that eye-creams and green tea are NOT a substitute for sleep. You actually do have to close your eyes occasionally to avoid looking like the cryptkeeper.
And stop accepting Jaegerbombs on work nights!! It never ends well!
Yours disapprovingly,
Ellen
Thursday, 2 September 2010
Poetree, or 'shut up, you pretentious bitch'
I would dearly love to write poetry
But I can't, for I have not a brain
I can sing, I can cook and can argue
But I try to compose rhyme in vain
I wish I possessed such a talent
To allow me to pour out my soul
But alas, I can find no such whimsy
For my heart is as vital as coal
Oh I wish I could write lovely poetry
My ev'ry thought captured with it
But unfortunately I am fated
To write this unbearable shit
But I can't, for I have not a brain
I can sing, I can cook and can argue
But I try to compose rhyme in vain
I wish I possessed such a talent
To allow me to pour out my soul
But alas, I can find no such whimsy
For my heart is as vital as coal
Oh I wish I could write lovely poetry
My ev'ry thought captured with it
But unfortunately I am fated
To write this unbearable shit
Monday, 23 August 2010
Bloodstock video
Hier ist eine kleine video of Neonfly at Bloodstock... not sure who that pink git on the far end is though...
Friday, 20 August 2010
Plugging someone else's blog... how selfless of me!
U2's manager attempts to claim that music piracy directly benefits internet service providers, among other retarded things: "Free content has helped fuel the vast profits of the technology and telecoms industries." Twattery such as this has not been seen in quite some time... read this blog post from Simon at 'No Rock and Roll Fun' to see the argument get royally shredded!
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
Isn't it glamorous to be a musician??
On Sunday, I got up at 5.30am to get ready to drive myself, the lead singer and the other backing singer (performing with Neonfly) to Bloodstock festival in Derbyshire. Now, I don't actually remember the last time I saw 5.30am, so this would have all been very exciting and magical if it wasn't for my continuous swearing under my breath as I somehow managed to get into the shower the right way up. After a while, being vaguely ready, I then fell into the car and drove round to the tube station to pick up the lead singer, and then on to a bus stop to collect the other backing singer. Once the car contained its full quota of vocalists, I hooked up the Spongebob Squarepants satnav and we were on our way. (I must point out that, as much as I love Spongebob, his voice is possibly THE WORST THING EVER at 6.30am).
I had decided not to wear my studded, fingerless leather gloves for the drive, as it is impossible not to drive like a badass with them on. Driving with those gloves on makes me sort of like the product of Steven Tyler and Billy Idol somehow managing to have a baby, which then failed its driving test before earning several DUIs. So in the interests of health and safety, my hands drove nude.
We managed to get to the festival with only one service station stop (Yes, it is acceptable to have a cheeseburger for breakfast when you're a total rock star like what I am. What is less acceptable is then failing to finish it, but taking it with you for later and designating a particular glove box in your car as 'the burger box'. I'm not telling you which one it is in case you're in my car, stealin' my cheezburgers). I managed to somehow get the festival staff to allow me to park my car right by the stage instead of moving it to the car park, which was a ten minute walk away, like I was technically supposed to. WELL, IT WAS MUDDY! And my boots are super-nice. And my car doesn't like to be parked with normal-people-cars, it prefers the ambience of VIP parking.
Having raided the backstage area for as much free bottled water as I could cram into the car (to go nicely with the contents of the burger box), we were ready for Neonfly's set. The guys went on and played the first four songs, then it was backing singer time! The set went really well, energy was high and there was an impressive-sized crowd, especially in view of the fact that it was 11.15am! We took some pictures and then said our goodbyes, at which point the Vocalistmobile was ready to set off for London again. With a well-judged stop for a massive Starbucks double-shot Americano (falling asleep at the wheel is frowned upon in polite society), we had a pleasant and direct journey home.
After that nice little addition to my CV, I'm sure you can imagine my delight and honour at this unrelated conversation last night:
Guy in the pub: You should come on our tour! We need groupies!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Translation: I'm sorry, I think that's when I'm planning to pull out all my fingernails individually, so I'll be too busy. But have fun!)
I had decided not to wear my studded, fingerless leather gloves for the drive, as it is impossible not to drive like a badass with them on. Driving with those gloves on makes me sort of like the product of Steven Tyler and Billy Idol somehow managing to have a baby, which then failed its driving test before earning several DUIs. So in the interests of health and safety, my hands drove nude.
We managed to get to the festival with only one service station stop (Yes, it is acceptable to have a cheeseburger for breakfast when you're a total rock star like what I am. What is less acceptable is then failing to finish it, but taking it with you for later and designating a particular glove box in your car as 'the burger box'. I'm not telling you which one it is in case you're in my car, stealin' my cheezburgers). I managed to somehow get the festival staff to allow me to park my car right by the stage instead of moving it to the car park, which was a ten minute walk away, like I was technically supposed to. WELL, IT WAS MUDDY! And my boots are super-nice. And my car doesn't like to be parked with normal-people-cars, it prefers the ambience of VIP parking.
Having raided the backstage area for as much free bottled water as I could cram into the car (to go nicely with the contents of the burger box), we were ready for Neonfly's set. The guys went on and played the first four songs, then it was backing singer time! The set went really well, energy was high and there was an impressive-sized crowd, especially in view of the fact that it was 11.15am! We took some pictures and then said our goodbyes, at which point the Vocalistmobile was ready to set off for London again. With a well-judged stop for a massive Starbucks double-shot Americano (falling asleep at the wheel is frowned upon in polite society), we had a pleasant and direct journey home.
After that nice little addition to my CV, I'm sure you can imagine my delight and honour at this unrelated conversation last night:
Guy in the pub: You should come on our tour! We need groupies!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Translation: I'm sorry, I think that's when I'm planning to pull out all my fingernails individually, so I'll be too busy. But have fun!)
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