Isn't it glamorous to be a musician??

On Sunday, I got up at 5.30am to get ready to drive myself, the lead singer and the other backing singer (performing with Neonfly) to Bloodstock festival in Derbyshire. Now, I don't actually remember the last time I saw 5.30am, so this would have all been very exciting and magical if it wasn't for my continuous swearing under my breath as I somehow managed to get into the shower the right way up. After a while, being vaguely ready, I then fell into the car and drove round to the tube station to pick up the lead singer, and then on to a bus stop to collect the other backing singer. Once the car contained its full quota of vocalists, I hooked up the Spongebob Squarepants satnav and we were on our way. (I must point out that, as much as I love Spongebob, his voice is possibly THE WORST THING EVER at 6.30am).

I had decided not to wear my studded, fingerless leather gloves for the drive, as it is impossible not to drive like a badass with them on. Driving with those gloves on makes me sort of like the product of Steven Tyler and Billy Idol somehow managing to have a baby, which then failed its driving test before earning several DUIs. So in the interests of health and safety, my hands drove nude.

We managed to get to the festival with only one service station stop (Yes, it is acceptable to have a cheeseburger for breakfast when you're a total rock star like what I am. What is less acceptable is then failing to finish it, but taking it with you for later and designating a particular glove box in your car as 'the burger box'. I'm not telling you which one it is in case you're in my car, stealin' my cheezburgers). I managed to somehow get the festival staff to allow me to park my car right by the stage instead of moving it to the car park, which was a ten minute walk away, like I was technically supposed to. WELL, IT WAS MUDDY! And my boots are super-nice. And my car doesn't like to be parked with normal-people-cars, it prefers the ambience of VIP parking.

Having raided the backstage area for as much free bottled water as I could cram into the car (to go nicely with the contents of the burger box), we were ready for Neonfly's set. The guys went on and played the first four songs, then it was backing singer time! The set went really well, energy was high and there was an impressive-sized crowd, especially in view of the fact that it was 11.15am! We took some pictures and then said our goodbyes, at which point the Vocalistmobile was ready to set off for London again. With a well-judged stop for a massive Starbucks double-shot Americano (falling asleep at the wheel is frowned upon in polite society), we had a pleasant and direct journey home.

After that nice little addition to my CV, I'm sure you can imagine my delight and honour at this unrelated conversation last night:

Guy in the pub: You should come on our tour! We need groupies!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Translation: I'm sorry, I think that's when I'm planning to pull out all my fingernails individually, so I'll be too busy. But have fun!)

Dear Jason Derulo...

I have noticed your song, 'Ridin' Solo', lately. I have noticed it because it is on Galaxy radio approximately 5,240 times an hour. Every day. I would like to draw your attention to this fact, so that you can make another song. While I appreciate your need to relentlessly inform us of your desire to bang Harrison Ford, the sad fact is that your pathetic and reedy vocal is slowly forcing me to the edge of my already-tenuous sanity. If you were to make a new song, perhaps called something equally meaningful such as 'Wet Lettuce', at least it would be a change. Still godawful audio tripe, but DIFFERENT godawful audio tripe nonetheless. Now, you might ask why I don't just change the radio station to one that does not incessantly force your 'song' down my ear canals. Good point, and I would totally do this if the radio would ever pick up any station other than Galaxy or some mad Polish one. I much prefer the Polish one, as at least its insane method of song selection defies all logic and repetition (Aerosmith followed immediately by Britney Spears on one occasion). But sometimes we can't get a good enough signal for that, and it appears that I'm not authorized to turn the radio off altogether. My ruse of pretending to need quiet for a phonecall has been marginally successful, as I've taken to turning it down until the volume is so low that I can pretend something good is actually playing. And then 'forget' to turn it back up. But plans like these can only work for a short while, until someone notices and turns the drivel back up again!

I hope you will consider my request, and by 'consider' I mean 'act upon immediately, or preferably just shut up'.

And if you see Justin Bieber, tell her she needs a haircut.

Best regards,

Ellen

UPDATE: The Polish radio station just played the Muppets version of Bohemian Rhapsody, which is possibly the most bizarre thing ever when you can't actually SEE the Muppets. It's pretty bizarre if you can, but a totally insane thing to put on the radio! One word: WIN.