Thursday, 30 September 2010

Some Stuff that Happened

OK, so I was on my way to work (I drive now, which means I can more easily avoid contracting 207-HIV) when I noticed that my petrol was getting low. To avoid having to drag my car to work using a skipping rope and a lot of muscle-power, I pulled into a petrol station immediately. As I was filling the car up with fuel (the best thing to put in that part of the car, incidentally), another car pulled up to the pump next to mine. A guy dressed entirely in black got out, and started fuelling up his car. I thought he was a bit odd, as he had his hood pulled right up (it wasn't raining) and had sunglasses on, despite the fact that it wasn't sunny. Well, actually the sunglasses part wasn't so odd, except for the fact that we weren't in Kentish Town (where pretentious unnecessary wearing of sunglasses is common among the large Twat community). He seemed a bit on-edge as well, which caused me to continue covertly observing him by squinting awkwardly at him out of the side of my face in the manner of Popeye. Suddenly, he popped the petrol cap back on his car, jumped in and started driving off without paying. 'Aha!' thought I. So that's why he was such a shifty git then. Then, the next interesting thing happened. As he was about to drive out of the petrol station exit, STEPHEN FRY suddenly leapt out of another car nearby and ran in front of the moving vehicle!! Quick as a flash, he held out his hand and STOPPED THE CAR, causing it to grind to a halt and buckling the metal of the bonnet at the point of impact with his hand. As I was struggling to take all of this in, he deftly flipped open the bonnet of the car and ripped out the engine in one smooth move. Throwing it safely into a nearby disposal bin, Fry calmly locked eyes with the shocked driver of the car, and boomed 'I'M STEPHEN FRY, AND IF I HAVE TO PAY FOR MY PETROL, YOU JOLLY WELL SHOULD TOO!' The police then pulled up and began to arrest the man, during which time Fry sauntered back to his car as they waved their gratitude. I distinctly heard one of the policemen say 'Thanks again, Stephen!' as Fry drove off into the mist. Well, you don't see that every day!*

*Some or all of the above may be a lie

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Beatles Poetry. Or, 'Shut up, you self-important cow'

I dearly hold all I have known
In friendship or in love,
I cannot fault their offerings
Of olive-branch or dove,
However I can fully say
Of all the ones held true,
They simply cannot take the place
Of the hated Meanies Blue.

I love those dear Blue Meanies,
Of whom are not thought well,
They hate that Paul McCartney
Who's honestly a bell
-END of the story here must be
In spite of what is due,
I finish my discourse with love
Me do, sir please don't sue

Monday, 6 September 2010

Letter to Self

Dear Ellen,

I am writing to politely suggest that you SORT IT OUT! It is not acceptable to wear pink tights with a red skirt just because you couldn't be arsed to do laundry last week. It is also not acceptable to cut down to one meal a day because you can't be arsed to go food shopping either. You seem to find ample time to arse around making sure your hair stays pink, and to Facebook stalk plenty of people. Therefore it stands to reason that you could find a spare minute of your day to OPEN THE DAMN MAIL! Seriously, it is just unnecessary to have FOUR newsletters from your former school hanging around your kitchen counter. If you don't care what the school is up to these days, PUT THEM IN THE BIN!! I am writing this to you for your own good, as it seems that you have lost track of what is important. Although drinking beer and laughing hysterically might seem important at the time, you spend more than enough time doing both of these things already, and can afford to cut back a bit. Also, stop lying to people; clear nail varnish DOES NOT FIX EVERYTHING, and sometimes it's better to throw something away or use ACTUAL GLUE to fix it. It's just misleading to keep insisting otherwise. Although if you do invest in any actual glue in the near future, try to avoid gluing your hand to a porcelain model of a bus this time.

Another important point to address is that eye-creams and green tea are NOT a substitute for sleep. You actually do have to close your eyes occasionally to avoid looking like the cryptkeeper.

And stop accepting Jaegerbombs on work nights!! It never ends well!

Yours disapprovingly,


Thursday, 2 September 2010

Poetree, or 'shut up, you pretentious bitch'

I would dearly love to write poetry
But I can't, for I have not a brain
I can sing, I can cook and can argue
But I try to compose rhyme in vain
I wish I possessed such a talent
To allow me to pour out my soul
But alas, I can find no such whimsy
For my heart is as vital as coal
Oh I wish I could write lovely poetry
My ev'ry thought captured with it
But unfortunately I am fated
To write this unbearable shit