Monday 28 March 2011

The Laws of The Cinema

Bloody Nora, it's been a while since I've posted! Apologies for that; I've just been taking a mad-load of script reading and development courses lately as part of the career master plan... between that, full-time work and frequent hair-dyeing, I did not allow time for blogging *hangs head in shame*

Since I'm looking to get involved with script reading, I've been watching even more movies lately. I've always loved watching them, but lately I've really been taking advantage of my Cineworld Unlimited card, to shove as much nutritious movie goodness into my eyeholes as possible. While I love that I can go to the movies as often as I like for a flat-rate monthly fee, the slight downside of cinemagoing is that THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THERE. I assume that there are other people out there somewhere who, like myself, simply want to enjoy a newly-released movie on the big screen with lovely digital sound. UNINTERRUPTED. However, I am yet to encounter such people at the cinema. Whenever I visit the Magical Moviehouse, I seem to be surrounded by gibbering morons who are intent upon shrieking/gurgling/snorting/mooing their opinions on a bi-secondly basis. I find it interesting that they have misinterpreted human society to such an extent that they seem to firmly believe that they've paid the insane sum of £8.10 for the privilege of having their loud, 2-hour conversation in a nice, dark room for a change.

So I've prepared a short (by no means exhaustive) list of LAWS of cinema etiquette that should, in this ranter's opinion, be enforced by rabid badgers with chainsaws instead of legs:

1) GO AWAY. This is aimed at all people. Please get away from me. If I wanted to spend upwards of 2 hours sitting right next to you despite the infinite quantity of empty seats far away that you COULD have chosen, I'd break into your house at night and sit on your bed while you sleep. See, it's not nice, is it?


Recently, we went to see 'The Adjustment Bureau'. In front of us was a bloke we dubbed 'Reaction Man'. Every time ANYTHING happened, he would gasp, loudly comment on it, and elbow the girl next to him (they seemed to have been on a date). I would like to present her with an award for exhibiting restraint in this situation, as the logical response to this would have been to stamp on his crotch. She made it to the end of the film without doing this, though, and so must have been a cyborg or something.

3) NOISY FOOD = STABBY FACE. While your date might find it alluring that you're snorting and grunting in your haste to hoover as much popcorn into your face as you can before the previews end, it's actually a bit weird and makes you seem like a warthog wearing clothes. [DISCLAIMER: I MAY OCCASIONALLY BE GUILTY OF THIS. BUT IT'S CUTE WHEN I DO IT].

4) CHECK OUT A FILM BEFORE YOU SEE IT. If you're a complete pleb who can't follow a plotline that doesn't feature animals or cheerleaders, don't go to see a political thriller. However, your loud whinging that you 'don't get it' is actually quite useful to society as a whole, as it informs your date/boyfriend/girlfriend that you shouldn't breed.

5) PHONES. Of course, it's annoying when people don't switch off/silence their phones during a showing. But it's also intolerable when they pull the phone out mid-film and start arsing around on it, causing the backlight to PIERCE MY RETINAS. Piece of information for these people: In the darkness of a cinema, YOUR PHONE APPEARS BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN ITSELF. You might as well set fire to the seat next to you, as that would be about the same level of distracting. And everyone knows you haven't got a text, as you clearly have no friends.

Okay that's enough for now, I've got to go chew on something to relieve the annoyance now...