Dear Ellen,
I am writing to politely suggest that you SORT IT OUT! It is not acceptable to wear pink tights with a red skirt just because you couldn't be arsed to do laundry last week. It is also not acceptable to cut down to one meal a day because you can't be arsed to go food shopping either. You seem to find ample time to arse around making sure your hair stays pink, and to Facebook stalk plenty of people. Therefore it stands to reason that you could find a spare minute of your day to OPEN THE DAMN MAIL! Seriously, it is just unnecessary to have FOUR newsletters from your former school hanging around your kitchen counter. If you don't care what the school is up to these days, PUT THEM IN THE BIN!! I am writing this to you for your own good, as it seems that you have lost track of what is important. Although drinking beer and laughing hysterically might seem important at the time, you spend more than enough time doing both of these things already, and can afford to cut back a bit. Also, stop lying to people; clear nail varnish DOES NOT FIX EVERYTHING, and sometimes it's better to throw something away or use ACTUAL GLUE to fix it. It's just misleading to keep insisting otherwise. Although if you do invest in any actual glue in the near future, try to avoid gluing your hand to a porcelain model of a bus this time.
Another important point to address is that eye-creams and green tea are NOT a substitute for sleep. You actually do have to close your eyes occasionally to avoid looking like the cryptkeeper.
And stop accepting Jaegerbombs on work nights!! It never ends well!
Yours disapprovingly,
Ellen
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