Fan Mail

I recently received this message from a friend of mine via facebook, or MyFace, or FailSpace or Witter or whatever they're calling it these days...

Him: Dear Ellen,

I have recently taken to perusing the current (albeit long-lasted) fad of online diary keeping, colloquially referred to as "blogging". I wish to inform you that I find your blog to contain within it traits with which I can only describe as pure, unadulterated randomness! Congratulations! Of the untold millions, perhaps eve...n billions, of blogs in existence I have actually deemed yours worthy of that utmost of honours, "My Attention". So, congratulate yourself this evening and know that officially your rantings and pedantism are not legitimately "of interest".

Me: Dear [name],

Thank you for your comments. It is sincerely awesome to hear that someone occasionally reads that shite what I write. In case you did not know, 'blogging' is short for the term 'web-logging', although what it has to do with lumberjacks is somewhat beyond me. Please do keep up your reading, young fan, as I hear it is the best way to avoid jail time.

Yours ambiguously,

Ellen

Me: PS this is totally going on the blog



**UPDATE**

Him: Dear Ellen,

I am glad that mine own ramblings have helped add to the creative 'pot', I too am somewhat confused towards the need for lumberjacks and was completely unaware of the correct teminology. For this I whole-heartedly thank thee. Per...haps 'web-logging' is in some way a playful jibe at lumberjacks on the basis that their days of employment are numbered, for as we all know; the internet is virtual reality not requiring paper and therefore the tree's need not be cut to provide the raw materials. The may continue to stand proud and tall as the planets pubic regions, rather than shaved and crass like a middle aged hooker, too ugly to be a milf, too young to be a granny, and too old for anyone to want.

Him: PS. Thank you for the tips on how to avoid prison, until now I had merely been hiding in drainage holes and stealing in to my 'neighbours' homes for internet access.

Me: Dear [name],

Who said anything about pot?? You keep your drug-addled ramblings to yourself, young sir!

I feel that your insight on the subject of the origin of the term 'web-logging' is potentially enlightening. Or perhaps the ravings of a reality-starved cretin. Who knows?

I am glad that my worldly wisdom can be of use to you in terms of prison avoidance. You might run into Lindsey Lohan if you go to prison, and nobody wants that. I hear she can give you crabs from across the room...

Yours frivolously,

Ellen

Him: Dear Ellen,

My initial thoughts of a pot, were in fact a reference to a "tea-pot" (http://www.stonesoup.org/design/cauldron.gif) wherein the 'pot' is a device to collect ingredients and cook. With the basis being that, that which is produced is greater than the sum of it's parts. As such, I was commenting on my desire to help you with the creative process, and felt the term 'muse' (not the band, just to clarify) to be somewhat reminiscent of fat bottomed pre-Raphaelite women. Although your immediate leap to drugs speaks loudly by itself.

I shall do my utmost to avoid capture and the potential crabs Lindsey Lohan is capable of producing. I have been similar stories in the past, and must confess my heightened desire to not catch crabs, to this end I have determined to avoid beaches at all costs!

Finally, I believe it safe to assume that mine own musings have added greatly to the potential material for your 'blogging' and as such my insights may be considered the spouting of enlightened wit reaching Oscar Wildian proportions!

Yours humbly,

[name]

Me: Dear [name],

TLDR